Embracing Grace in Motherhood: Jesika Harmon

May 6, 2016

Today is our final post for our “Embracing Grace in Motherhood” series, and we’re honored to have guest poster Jesika Harmon sharing her tender story of loss and hope with us. Also we want to thank Sara Harding from A Vintage Poster, for sharing a beautiful print she’s created for you that you can find at the end of the post. 

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I looked across the hospital room and on the nurse’s white board directly in front of me was a sign for her to fill in for the patient that read, “Pain level= _____.” I was the patient that day. I was there to deliver my baby; my baby whom I wouldn’t get to take home. After trying to avoid that sign for a couple hours, wanting to scream at it, I asked the nurse if she could please cover it up with something. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear not knowing how my baby at seven months along suddenly died. Not knowing how I was going to tell my four excited children we won’t have a new baby. Not knowing how I could ever do another pregnancy because this one had been so hard. Not knowing how I could go home without him.

After a gentle delivery, for which I was so grateful, I held him in my arms. He was pink. He looked just like a perfect little Harmon baby. And he almost was. I wanted to scream and yell and be so mad at God…but even as much as it hurt, it just couldn’t be. This was probably one of the hardest things I had ever been through, but it wasn’t my first trial of faith. I am a mother.

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I know not everyone has to be a mother to experience the miracle of grace. But for me motherhood has been the medium through which I have learned to rely on my Savior. In that moment, holding my beautiful baby boy, even with all I didn’t know and couldn’t understand and couldn’t bear, I did know from other experiences that if I reached out to Christ, and let Him take my pain for which he already suffered, I would make it through. I knew that this little baby had a destiny, and living on this earth just was not part of it. And that was okay. Deeper than the pain, than the hurt, than the anger, I could feel the light…the light of His grace. His grace that reaches past all the hurt and pain and puts that light there, so that we can have something to hold on to.

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You can find this beautiful free print (in three colors!) from Sarah Harding below the post! 

I love thinking about the amazing women who lived in Bible times who I am sure could relate. While the world I live in is dramatically different than it was two thousand years ago, I think motherhood is very similar. I think of Eve…no cookbooks, no Pinterest, no parenting books, not even a mother or a girlfriend to call for advice! But maybe that made it easier for her to see the necessity of relying on the Savior. She experienced childbirth, she taught her children to pray, she managed the cooking, the cleaning, and the laundry all with children crying at her feet. I like to think she tickled her children, laughed with them, wiped their tears, sang their praises, and delighted in their progress. I am sure she disciplined, mourned when her children fought with each other, and she experienced losing a child. That is the motherhood that I know: the perfect combination of hard and happy to lead me to His grace. With grace motherhood helps me see my weaknesses (all too clearly most of the time), but then lets me work to overcome them. Grace lets me try and fail (and fail a few more times), and then succeed. All while surrounded by little people who are forgiving, loving, and (after a good night’s sleep) simply adorable.

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I often wear a little chain around my neck with the initial of our sweet boy we lost. I love that it makes me think of him, and reminds me that I am his mother, even though it was for a short time here on earth. I feel like the scriptures can be a sweet memento like my little chain. While they are filled with doctrines and topics worthy of intense study, they are also filled with reminders of faithful parents who knew Christ and experienced His grace. Motherhood has led me to His grace. And that is truly a gift. “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is a gift from God.” { Ephesians 2:8 }

You can connect with Jesika on her instagram here, and find more of Sara Harding’s beautiful work at her etsy shop here, or on instagram here. 

 

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8 Comments

  • Reply Rachel May 6, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    This is so beautiful, Jes. Thank you for sharing.

  • Reply Hillary C May 7, 2016 at 9:19 am

    Always have you been someone I’ve looked to and wanted to be more like jesika. I cried reading your sweet message of hope. What an amazing example Eve was for us to rely on our Savior. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it like that. I love you. Thank you for being real and so strong!

    • Reply Jesika May 7, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      Thank you Hillary!! Hugs to you!

  • Reply Clare May 9, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    This was so beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  • Reply Mickell Westbrook June 5, 2016 at 10:42 am

    Beautifully written! You are truly amazing! I truly don’t think I understood the power of his grace until loosing my sweet baby boy as well, and the repeating the same experience just 6 months later… There’s nothing like truly giving him our pain and anguish- it’s only through His Grace I can keep going! Love you Jess thank you for sharing!

    • Reply Jesika Harmon June 5, 2016 at 2:36 pm

      Thank you sweet Mickell. Though it is so painful, what a blessing to get to understand His grace better. You have been a great strength for me…and I am sure for many others! Love you!

  • Reply vicky t November 8, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Ah, I so needed this reminder today…I totally agree, motherhood has brought me so much closer to Heavenly Father and see and feel His love so much closer. Thank you SO much for sharing this!

    • Reply Jesika Harmon November 8, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      So happy we can all help remind each other Vicky! I so often need reminders!

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