Even as I’m trying to live a life with faith, some days are just long and, frankly, hard. The last month has been full and I’m trying to juggle everything, all while feeling that I’m not really doing anything adequately. I want to be a good mom, and cuddle my babies and read to them and understand why they’re spitting up so much, I want to make The Small Seed a success and worry I’m not enough, I want to be present for my husband, I want to be in tune with the needs of others, and everything else that I’m trying to do. It makes me anxious, and I feel like I’m in one of those little hamster wheels, running as fast as I can, but looking back and wondering why I haven’t gotten anywhere.
It reminds me of the feeling in the air right before it rains, when the sky is dark and the air is heavy and thick. The humidity and pressure makes the cold colder and the hot hotter. It’s as if everything in the sky is just waiting for the heavens to part and for the rain to come.
A few days ago Tillie Rose and I planted our herbs and flowers in pots out on our back porch. As we were halfway through planting, a thick dark cloud quickly moved overhead, and the heavy raindrops came in what seemed like an instant.
Rather than rush us inside, I just sat with Tillie and let the rain fall. I could tell she expected me to tell her we couldn’t get wet, and the look on her face was priceless when I told her we could just stay on the porch and get drenched. After about 20 minutes of hard rain, it left as quickly as it had come, and the clouds parted and the warm sun shone.
Even living a life with faith can still be hard. It is mortality after all! We all need the rain that refreshes our souls, gives us the hope and courage and motivation to just keep on trying, and the assurance that the work we’re doing is making a difference. We need to know that even when if don’t see results on earth, there is at least One in heaven who sees them. At times and months like these, I’m grateful for the moments of rain and sun, that let the clouds part long enough for me to feel God’s love, and an assurance that it’s all going to work out.
Do you ever feel this way? What do you do to refresh your soul?